So this morning I felt really overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed. I have taken on a lot. I have felt like I had to really. I need to bring in as much money as possible, and it’s not the time to be turning away any work that comes along, no matter where it comes from.
So this morning I was dealing with the stress of working at three side jobs, trying to book gigs, and needing a big solid block of time to prepare for this weekend’s concert. Worrying about letting people down, not doing a spectacular job at whatever I do, worrying about forgetting something, forgetting someone. And I could feel tears, big waves of them, behind my eyes. With absolutely no time to let them out. I got ready. I called my mom. I texted good morning laughs with friends. Trying to feel better.
This is what got me: I pulled out a yogurt to eat for breakfast. I opened it and instead of putting the lid messy side up, for some reason I put it messy side down and the date on the package caught my eye. October of 2015. OCTOBER OF 2015! For a minute I had a brain freeze. 2015? But it’s 2017, isn’t it? HOW COULD I HAVE A YOGURT IN MY FRIDGE THAT’S BEEN EXPIRED FOR TWO YEARS? You know what else? It was completely fine! I mean I didn’t eat it, but it looked fine and smelled fine. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
So that’s what broke the dam. That’s what made me feel like a complete failure as a human. And though I will probably tell this story to make someone laugh, it still brings tears to my eyes right now. So I started sobbing about the metaphorical yogurt. And how I let expired yogurt sit in my fridge for 2 years without noticing.
And then I cried for everything else that it seems, feels like, I am failing at. Or at least just getting by. Barely. I can see the disappointment in their eyes. I can see that they wish I was getting further along by now, getting my act together. Or maybe that is me wishing it for them. Maybe they are too busy worrying about that themselves.
So teary and working at the same time, I have spent the rest of the day doing little bits of work in 20 different categories of my life and at every turn I have had someone, some friend or acquaintance or stranger, do or say something nice to me which has helped me to stay afloat.
A tiny bit of good news, good mom advice, a coincidence to my advantage, an encouraging word on messenger, someone finally answered my email. A friend goes out of her way to help me and invites 80 friends to one of my shows. Another friend arranges to have my show recorded and barters her time in payment. Of one my band mates offers to take care of sound and even borrows monitors and I don’t have to do anything.
And people who love me and tell me. And people who want to take care of me and do. And people who know me and understand me. And people who give of their time. And people who give of themselves. To help when they don’t have to. When they are overwhelmed too.
So now, toward the evening of this day, with still many, many things to do. I feel a different kind of overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the goodness of other humans around me, that feeling of —that’s God. That’s God loving. Loving and taking care with the hands of people.
Thank you lovely people. Thank you.